What's Mine is Yours

Is anyone still out there?

2008-05-29T17:46:24Z

I play in a new band now:

http://www.myspace.com/partingjetsforjazzmen

I graduated college with a BS in psychology.

I am mega poor.

That's about it.

How are you?

whiteymcblack @ 2007-10-25T01:55:00

2007-10-25T06:21:45Z

i'm losing it

I feel a lot better

2007-03-16T05:49:09Z

At first I was mad until I cleaned my glasses and saw you for who you really were. Let's see:

You're a pretty picture with no color.
And you wear the scence like the ghetto of suburbia.
All the bell and whistles and blinding irony
But like a sugar packet. You're empty calories.
And I will swallow you whole.
I told myself, "I have to learn to let you go"
To swallow my pride and say, "I'm happy for you"
But then I met him and realized that you two were meant for eachother.
Because like you, you both love to say things I find to be absolutly absurd.
And I can't swallow you whole. Because what would be the point?

I'm sorry, but you've got a personality about as deep as a shot glass.

And I post this knowing that even when I tell you I wrote this, you wont even take the time to read it. Besides even if you did, I doubt you could wrap your mind around it enough to get it and hate me for it.

whiteymcblack @ 2007-03-09T12:46:00

2007-03-09T17:47:34Z

Who has 2 thumbs and is opening up for RORY and WHOLE WHEAT BREAD!!!

Oh yea,

This Guy.

These are the beginning thoughts

2007-02-09T04:33:29Z

So, I had the idea in my mind, just formulating. My friend just seconded it today. After I'm done with either my music or education;

I may look into moving out of the country permanently. I have some ideas of where in my mind, but I think I'm going to begin giving it some serious thought.

whiteymcblack @ 2007-02-04T21:49:00

2007-02-05T02:55:17Z

I woke this morning, hung over with the light peeping through the blinds. Turning my vision from the undectable black to a jarring red.

I put on ballad because I felt driving but slow.

Early moring with much to do, but no where to go.

I am so completely invisible only to those that I wish would see me most.

And I’m so ashamed of who you’ve become.

I came home threw my shit all over the floor. I just didn’t care. I could’nt help but look sad and everyone could see it. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t saying anything because I had said it a million times before. And it was never going to make a difference. It never makes a difference. Today I felt likke such a waste of life.

And I sat in your car and I could barley listen but heard every word you said. Yet, I could feel was a emptiness I have never felt in a long time. And I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. I wanted to stab my throat with a knife. I wanted to strangle you. I hatted every single part of my being and all I wanted was to you to stop thinking you were better than me. But I knew you were and of all people in the world you were the last person I wanted to be better than me. A sheep and sheep I eat. I came home and layed on the bathroom floor with the lights off and the shower runnning.
I wish I had a car. I wanted to drive away. I want to leave for a while. Just a weekend. By myself or with someone I wanted around. I want to see something beautiful. I want to change. I want to accept that it is ok. That we are ok. That I am ok. I want to understand it so bad, but the only way is that I need to get into a car and go somewhere for one weekend. Just away. I just need to get out of here for a while.

This is how feel about my past lives

2007-01-28T07:24:00Z

How can such sweet kisses come from such a poison tongue?
How can a bed of roses hurt so much to lie upon?
It was the thorn beneath the flower that I wasn’t counting on.
And now you’re gone, gone, gone.

Babe if we should meet again way on down the road.
Do me this one favor and pretend we never knowed.
I’ll say that you remind me of a girl I knew so long ago,
But now she’s gone, gone, gone.

whiteymcblack @ 2006-12-31T03:59:00

2006-12-31T07:59:43Z

Am I a monster when I sink my teeth into her?
When I don't love her.
No, I don't love you forgive me darling, but love has nothing to do with this
it has nothing to do with how I can't stop until I get what I want from you.

This is what real men keep quiet.
It doesn't exist if you can hide it behind your teeth and sleep at night next to your wife
who you love too much to tell her
you don't love her at all.

-As Cities Burn
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This Is My Life As It Stands Now

2006-12-15T13:27:49Z

- I like to choke down scotch and listen to Jazz.
- I've gained at least 20 pounds
- I drink more often than I like to admit
- I swear needlessly and frequently
- I write so much for school that I have writers block creatively
- I don't date much or meet many women
- I am needlessly falling in love with someone I shouldn't
- I stopped shaving my stomach
- I still want to grow a beard
- I go from playful, to cynical, to lethargic, to serious all in a 15 minute span
- I think 16 credit hours is a suitible average course load
- I sleep heavily
- I write poetry more than song lyrics
- I watch TV a lot less
- I enjoy books on tape

When is this going to be over?

whiteymcblack @ 2006-11-20T14:44:00

2006-11-20T18:44:24Z

oh and is friends with crazy lyndsy.

whiteymcblack @ 2006-11-20T14:43:00

2006-11-20T18:43:24Z

guuuhhhh... just my luck it's a damn small world.

Turns out drunk girl who slept in my bed and threw up all over my kitchentte is good friends with girl I have a crush on in my lit class.

whiteymcblack @ 2006-11-15T02:53:00

2006-11-15T06:53:44Z

So how about Copeland signing to Columbia records. I'm so happy for them, it's about time one of our own began to make it big.

We found out we were not allowed to use calculators on the Macro Econ, Midterm and the whole class was brought to thier knees at the prospect of doing long divison. Swear to God 75% of class including me raised our hands and said we don't know how to divide on paper.

So, I've spent the last 15 minutes relearning how to do long division and multiply multiple numbers again.

Oh college, apparently we are the next generation. lol. I'm going to get drunk after this test.

whiteymcblack @ 2006-11-10T03:28:00

2006-11-10T07:28:34Z

This internet age man.
It's like we're killing ourselves more and more just to make something out of our lives while we desperatly know there isn't
It's getting harder to write for me (in here and lyrically) just because I feel there is really nothing intereting to write about which I hate and love soo much.
I mean I could make up sometihng. Or make a bigger dramatic deal out of someting that only exists in out minds.
And it seems like we all do our best to doped up or depressed as possible to keep ourselves constatly fighting for something.

That is until our mom dies.

That is defintly worth a long dramatic online post in my opinion. I applaud you for relizing it is what it is and not seeking pity when It's completly justifible to.

My roomate David said that I always downing myself out of some sick sense of seeking compassion and social validity from others. I was mad at hm but he was so right. I blame it on lakeland. lol. Or the internet. Or whatever, but inessence

The truth is I guess I have been part of generation seeking to live up to our predecesors only we have nothing to work with. What do you when everything has been given to you.
A house
Food
Opporitunities
Love from others

All those hiearchal needs that Maslow or whomever came up with.
And still like my friend posted today "it's not enough"

It's why Eve or Adam or Steve or whoever ate the apple. The greatest tragedy of man. I know deep inside that even if we saved the environment. Ended poverty. Ignorance. Equality.
Then we'd fight over what would be a better name for ourselves (South Park reference).

I've been updating less and less frankly becase there is not much to update. I'm doing my best to finnally let go. Make syntaxic perceptions as my Pysch teacher would say.
Realize that I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo blessed. And just live my life as it is. And love it. And help others. And just be. There no great story or American tale

This amazingness of adolcense and growing up. adventure. Drugs depression rock and roll, indie love and coffee shops, threesomes and DUI's.
All these self-inflicted hardships. It just seems (to me and only my perception so it isnt justified) like it's all bullshit.

It's probably the worst thing for a musician and a emo kid to say. I don't know if I still want to make amazing love stories out of phone conversation anymore.
Maybe it's just a phone conversation and I thought you were hot. Maybe not to others

It seems like we went into the dream world out of nessecity, but now we've been asleep for so long we can't tell anymore what's real and what isn't.

To answer your question. Is it enough?

Oh my God yes. It's more than enough. It absoulty wonderful. It's the best babe. It's the best.

whiteymcblack @ 2006-10-26T11:34:00

2006-10-26T15:35:27Z

Hooray for the second time the cops have had to come over to our place for our second noise violation. ugghh. How's a man supposed to have band practice?

I wrote a poem while at work

2006-10-21T06:37:08Z

I dont have a title:

I have often wondered what you do when I leave for school each day.
Do you play halo?
Or practice throwing cards into a top hat?
Do you go to the park to troll for bitches?
Or boys; I've always been told not to judge.

Or maybe you go to the nearest coffe shop
To have an expresso and the local democrat.
Talking to lawyers before thier morning trials
About litigation or who's running for senate.

But you're probably at home lazying around.
Your grey and brown hair parted perfectly to dangle over one eye.
Your chin resting softly on your two front paws
In your favorite sunny spot or under the bed.
Thinking about astrophysics
Or football statistics
Or maybe even Plato's theroy about the cave.

I hope that you are listening to the radio I've left on for you.
Or for me.
In hopes that at some point during the day my favorite song might come on
And you would hear it.

So later that evening
When we are lounging on the funton
Reading about Jon of Arc and wondering what she'd be like in bed
It would come again and you
Would perk up your ears in recognition
And utter a sigh of satisfaction
Or even a comfotable yawn
And I would rejoice to know that we are truly best friends.
Imagine spending a lifetime with someone who couldn't stand your music.

I guess though in the end
What you do when I'm gone is irrelevant
For whether I'm gone 6 hours or minutes
You always take the time out of your busy day to be there when I return
And show me that you love me more than any friend I have ever known..

How do you make God laugh?

2006-10-20T20:18:38Z

Make a plan.

This has got to be one of my favorite poems

The Lanyard

The other day as I was ricocheting slowly off the blue walls of this room
bouncing from typewriter to piano from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,
I found myself in the "L" section of the dictionary
Where my eyes fell upon the word, Lanyard.
No cookie nibbled by a French novelist could send one more suddenly into the past.
A past where I sat at a workbench at a camp by a deep Adirondack lake,
Learning how to braid thin plastic strips into a lanyard.
A gift for my mother.

I had never seen anyone use a lanyard.
Or wear one, if that's what you did with them.
But that did not keep me from crossing strand over strand,
Again and again,
Until I had made a boxy, red and white lanyard for my mother.

She gave me life and milk from her breasts, and I gave her a lanyard.
She nursed me in many a sick room,
Lifted teaspoons of medicine to my lips,
Set cold facecloths on my forehead then led me out into the airy light,
And taught me to walk and swim and I in turn presented her with a lanyard.

"Here are thousands of meals" she said,
"And here is clothing and a good education."
"And here is your lanyard," I replied,
"Which I made with a little help from a counselor."
"Here is a breathing body and a beating heart,
Strong legs, bones and teeth and two clear eyes to read the world." she whispered.
"And here," I said, "is the lanyard I made at camp."

"And here," I wish to say to her now, "is a smaller gift.
Not the archaic truth, that you can never repay your mother,
But the rueful admission that when she took the two-toned lanyard from my hands,
I was as sure as a boy could be
That this useless worthless thing I wove out of boredom
Would be enough to make us even."

by Billy Collins

whiteymcblack @ 2006-10-03T17:56:00

2006-10-03T21:57:21Z

My friend Greg did a cool little graphic for me:

WOOT!!!

This one is for Paul

2006-09-30T22:47:23Z

whiteymcblack @ 2006-09-29T13:15:00

2006-09-29T17:18:40Z

Leah made a really good point today.

"Maybe all these things you hate so much about humanity are the things you hate about yourself"

Although I was so heated and upset, I know she is 100% right. And it shut me up quick.

I had a thought on my way to the library.

If was given a button and I could singlulary wipe out all humantiy. Kill all the inncoent bright eyed children. The kind old men. The devoted lovers. The majestic artists. The hard working middle men.

Would I?

Honestly at this point in my life I know I would. Destroy us all the mess we've made of this world and our lives. And it's all a reflection on how scared I am.

Psychology teacher would say I have a very high baseline anxiety level which leads to my parataxic distortions.

I say this is all just a bunch of self-pitying emo bullshit.

Meh.

"Where did that life go, that I used to feel inside"

You that nightmare....

2006-09-27T07:30:48Z

The one where you walk into your class and relize that the test is that day and you didnt study for it at all?

Well as I calmly walk into my Psych of Personality class (fashionably late as usual) everyone turns to stare at me.
As I wonder why everyone is so quiet for this time of day I see my instructor Dr. Borado mumble something and continue handing out this single sheet of paper that has all the symptoms of a test.

Knowing full well this is impossible considering I know I wrote down the test date to be some time in October; I decide this must be a experiment of sorts that everyone is in on except for me.

But my denial subsided when I was faced with the 1st of the only 3 examinations in the class. And I had not studied a lick for it.
Wonderful. I'm going to bed.

Oh btw, everyone check out the live video of me and my band playing For The Moments When I Know What Matters Most on my myspace.

Woot

www.myspace.com/allofme

I'm going to try updating this thing again

2006-09-25T17:14:14Z

I would do a xanga like Paul, but I just dont get them man. I have 2 minuted before I leave for class. I'm kind of nervous considering I've missed 3 days due to the FABA conference. I'm soo stoked aobut maybe pursusing Behavior Analysis. I'll probably wirte more aobut that later. I'm going to thrlw away my televsion. Def. spend way way to much time watching it and wasting time than reading, studying and writing. So, I'm going to implement a program where I watch it maybe and hour during the day, but as much as i want before going to sleep. Well I go to run now. Guuhhh. I have little motivation to go to class other than to look at some cute girls.

whiteymcblack @ 2006-09-17T14:09:00

2006-09-17T18:17:12Z

It's coming little by little hopefully into fruition. Here are the designs for my new tatto:

Which I hope to get for free. WOOT!!

It would start on the front of my left arm above my elbow:

Then extend into the inside of my left arm:

Around the back:

And then to the outside:

Basically looking something like this forming a band around my arm:

Thank you Greg for cropping these for me.

Questions, Comments, Concerns?

This is a new drink I just made up

2006-09-15T06:44:06Z

1/4 Rootbeer
3/4 Mountian Dew
And a shot of Cruzan Orange Rum

I call it a: Not Too Shabby

whiteymcblack @ 2006-09-08T01:04:00

2006-09-08T05:05:07Z

whiteymcblack @ 2006-08-25T17:14:00

2006-08-25T21:16:33Z

Crazy crazy trip. I missed work and now I'm being taunted today. It's the most enclosing rain I've ever felt. Just the kind that makes you want to curl up in a ball slip into a mega sleep.

I had these bad dreams last night. Not fun. ::sighs:: I feel like a really horrible person for the time being. Let's hope this subsides.

I really like John Mayer.